


Muggle Sex 101, by H. Potter and S. Snape

by Maeglin_Yedi



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Humor, M/M, Rimming, Very realistic sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-18
Updated: 2013-10-18
Packaged: 2017-12-29 17:46:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1008266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maeglin_Yedi/pseuds/Maeglin_Yedi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry and Snape try having realistic sex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Muggle Sex 101, by H. Potter and S. Snape

**Author's Note:**

> ****  
> Pairing: Harry/Snape  
>  Rating: NC-17  
> Warning: very realistic sex. It's up to you if you take any of this seriously.  
> Disclaimer: They all belong to JK Rowling
> 
>  
> 
> Summary: Harry and Snape try having realistic sex. 
> 
>  
> 
> Word count: 3438  
> First published: May 2005

Harry banged on the door to Snape's private quarters. 

"Enter."

Shivering at hearing his lover's deep voice, Harry pushed the door open and stepped inside Snape's living room. To say that he was ready for their nightly round of mind-blowing sex was an understatement. Harry thought his hard cock might explode if Snape didn't fuck him within the next ten minutes. 

"Mr. Potter," Snape said, rising from his chair by the fireplace. "Before we carry on with our usual activities, there is something we need to discuss."

"What?" Harry got a sinking feeling in his stomach. Snape hadn't called him 'Mr. Potter' in months.

"It has come to my attention that we're to have realistic sex from now on."

"Huh?"

"Realistic Muggle sex." Snape stepped closer to Harry and crossed his arms over his chest. "No cheating with spells, no ignoring certain less than favorable effects, and so on and so forth."

"What's wrong with the sex we've been having for over six months?"

Snape sighed. "I'm forced to admit I'm no more informed on this subject than you are, Potter."

"Well," Harry said, and scuffed his shoe against the rug. "But we can still have sex, right?"

"I believe so."

Grinning, Harry invaded Snape's personal space. "Let's get to it, then."

Snape narrowed his dark eyes, hooked an arm around Harry's back, and leaned in for what Harry knew would be a kiss hot enough to scorch his lips. 

But the kiss never came. Right before Snape's mouth touched Harry's, Snape pulled back and stared down at Harry with a frown. 

"What's wrong?" Harry asked, confused. Snape had never pulled back from a kiss before, not even after Harry's potion had exploded and he'd been covered in green slime from head to toe. 

"What did you have for supper?"

"Um..."

"Something with plenty of garlic, perhaps?" 

"Could be."

"I suggest you go brush your teeth, then, before we continue." Snape released Harry and stepped back. 

"All right." With a sigh, Harry rushed inside the bathroom and helped himself to Snape's toothbrush. He scrubbed his teeth vigorously, and after rinsing his mouth twice he breathed into his own palm and sniffed. Much better.

"All done," he said as he dashed back inside the living room where Snape was tapping his foot on the floor in an impatient gesture. 

Harry slid his arms around Snape's neck, curved his body against Snape's, and crushed their mouths together. 

"Ow."

"Ow."

"Take off those glasses, Potter," Snape said, rubbing across his forehead and eyes. 

"Only if you take off that nose," Harry replied, touching his nose and cheek. 

Snape glared. 

"That was a joke." Harry slipped his glasses off and placed them on the coffee table.

"Most amusing," Snape said, though he didn't sound amused at all. "Let's try this again, shall we?" Placing his hands on Harry's cheeks, Snape tilted Harry's face and brought their mouths together. 

"Much better," Harry mumbled against Snape's mouth just before it opened and Snape's tongue met his own. It was strange how Snape had always tasted of tea and mint and scotch, and now his mouth tasted of none of those things. In fact, Harry thought Snape rather tasted like yesterday's Yorkshire Pudding. And Harry certainly hadn't noticed before how...slimy Snape's tongue felt. 

"Let's retire to my bedroom," Snape said, his voice low and husky. Harry licked his lips and could do nothing more than nod before he let his lover lead him to his bed. A bed that looked decidedly different from the last time Harry had seen it. 

"What happened to the silk sheets?" Harry asked, staring at the plain, cotton covers. 

"I have no idea," Snape said, and seemed genuinely confused by the sudden change in his bed linens. "However, I daresay a change of sheets won't decrease the pleasure we find with each other."

"Good point." Harry grinned up at Snape and started on the many buttons on Snape's robes. He fumbled with the first one, and while he was usually able to open it within two seconds, it now took him over half a minute. Right, time for his favorite trick. Harry grabbed hold of Snape's robes with both hands and went to rip open the entire row of buttons in one pull. 

The buttons didn't budge.

"Okay, this always works," Harry said, staring at Snape's closed robes dejectedly. Snape slapped his hands away. 

"I suggest we undress ourselves for this occasion."

Harry didn't need to be told twice. He yanked his shirt off, pushed his jeans down, kicked his shoes off, and hopped on one foot as he tried to peel his socks off. When he was naked and ready, he looked up and saw that Snape wasn't even halfway down the long row of buttons. 

"I'll just wait over there, then," Harry said, and scooted up Snape's bed. The cotton definitely wasn't as soft as the silk, he noted uncomfortably.

After Harry's many, many glances at the clock on Snape's bedside table, Snape finally lowered his threadbare Y-fronts and joined Harry on the bed.

"What do you have in mind, Potter?" Snape asked, teasing a finger down Harry's side. 

"I want to taste you," Harry whispered, pushing Snape down against the sheets. "I want to taste that delicious cock of yours." He slithered down Snape's body, trailing his palms across Snape's chest – and did Snape seem skinnier than usual there? – until he hovered his face above his prize. Snape's hard length, which always throbbed so delightfully against Harry's tongue until Snape filled his mouth with his bittersweet release. 

Harry lowered himself and sucked the head of Snape's cock into his mouth. After only a second, he pulled back and stared up at Snape with a frown. 

"What?" Snape asked. 

"When did you last shower?"

"I'll have you know I showered this morning," Snape said, indignantly. 

"Oh." Harry looked down at Snape's hard cock and glanced up at Snape again. "It's just...it tastes kind of funny."

"Tastes funny? What on earth are you trying to say?"

"Your cock tastes like piss, all right?" Harry threw his hands up in the air and leaned back on his heels. 

Snape huffed. 

"I'm serious. I'm not putting it in my mouth like that. Go wash your prick."

"If you insist." Snape pushed himself off the bed and walked to the bathroom, his buttocks tense.

"And wash under your foreskin too, please," Harry called after him. Snape threw the bathroom door shut with a bang. Harry heard the taps running for a minute, and a moment after that Snape reappeared, trying to look composed, but failing somehow. He lowered himself to the bed and lay down on his back. Harry offered him a smile, but Snape didn't return it. 

"Okay then." Harry crawled down the sheets, and ran his tongue over the head of Snape's cock. 

"Better?" Snape asked, staring up at the ceiling in determination. 

"Much. Tastes kind of soapy now," Harry said, and curled his fingers around the base of Snape's cock before sucking as much of Snape's length down as he could. Which wasn't all that much anymore, Harry realized with a gag. He set to sucking the familiar flesh, and when he finally found a comfortable pace and heard Snape moan in appreciation, Harry felt the oddest sensation. He pulled back. 

"Now what?" Snape pushed himself up on his elbows and glared down at Harry. 

"Hair stuck in my teeth," Harry mumbled, trying to dislodge the offending pubic hair with his fingernail. "Got it," he said, and sputtered for a moment before he went back to the task at hand. Snape dropped back against the pillow with an exasperated sigh, and Harry quickly found his comfortable pace again.

Harry moved his tongue up and down the underside of Snape's cock, sucked with all his worth, and after a few minutes he was forced to conclude that his lips had gone numb. And that he was drooling. Saliva gathered in the corners of his mouth and dripped alongside Snape's prick.

"Almost," Snape moaned, tightening a hand in Harry's hair. Harry inhaled a sharp breath through his nose as he felt a flash of pain travel through his scalp. He sucked harder, determined to see this through. 

"Almost...there!" Snape gasped, arching his hips up, and Harry felt how his mouth was flooded with Snape's warm release. He sucked until Snape gave no more, and then released Snape's prick with the intention to swallow Snape's seed. But the moment he sat up, he became aware of a strong, heady taste in his mouth. Something of a cross between cheap laundry detergent and cream that had been left outside the fridge for a couple of days. 

Harry gagged and clapped his hand over his mouth. He again tried to swallow, but his stomach fiercely objected. 

"What's the matter?" Snape asked, his gaze dazed from his recent orgasm.

Harry pointed at his mouth, his cheeks puffed and his lips pursed. And then he couldn't stand it any longer, and he rushed to the bathroom where he spit out his mouthful of possibly the most disgusting thing he'd ever tasted. 

"Back so soon, dearie?" the mirror asked. "Might as well brush your teeth again after that."

Giving a dry heave, Harry tried to glare at the mirror, but only managed to see his own reflection. His eyes looked teary and bloodshot. He rinsed his mouth, and rinsed it again, but that horrible taste wouldn't go away. Harry sighed and reached for the toothbrush. 

When his mouth was clean and his breath was minty, Harry shuffled back inside the bedroom. 

Snape looked at him from his spot on the bed. "What was that all about, Potter?"

"Don't ask," Harry said, and positioned himself beside Snape. "Just, don't ask."

"Very well. What can I do for you this evening." Snape looked Harry up and down.

"I want you to fuck me."

"Are you quite sure?"

"Yeah," Harry said, and gave Snape an odd look. Snape had never refused to fuck him before. 

"You aren't in the mood for a round of oral pleasure?" Snape tried. 

"No," Harry said, his tone one of irritation. "I want to feel your hard cock inside me, fucking me into the mattress."

Snape gestured down his body, and Harry noticed Snape's cock. Snape's limp cock. "I'm afraid you'll have to wait if you want me to give that kind of performance. A man of my age needs a while to recuperate."

"Fine," Harry said through gritted teeth. He settled against the headboard, grabbed the Daily Prophet from Snape's bedside table, and started on the crossword.

*~*~*~*~*

_83 minutes later..._

 

"I need another word for disquiet. That one doesn't fit."

"I'm ready, Potter."

"Huh?" Harry looked up from the newspaper and stared into Snape's black eyes. 

"I said, I'm ready."

Harry glanced down Snape's body and noticed Snape's shining erection. "Oh. Yes. Good. Finally." Harry threw the newspaper to the floor and rolled onto his stomach. "No need for a lot of preparation. I've been ready for the last hour and a half."

"But preparation is half the fun," Snape purred, and settled between Harry's spread legs. He traced his fingers across Harry's buttocks. "I do believe I will have a taste of you before I fuck you until you scream."

Harry let out a satisfied sigh as he felt Snape spread his arse. He burrowed his head in the pillow and waited with bated breath for the first swipe of Snape's tongue across his pucker. Snape's breath teased his hot skin, and Harry moaned in anticipation...and then, nothing. 

Harry glanced over his shoulder. 

"When is the last time _you_ showered, Mr. Potter?" Snape asked, staring at Harry's arse with something akin to horror written across his face. 

"This morning! What's wrong?"

"Well, I'm afraid the smell is less than favorable at the moment," Snape said, and released Harry's arse. 

"But I smell like peaches," Harry said, confused. "You always tell me so."

"Not today, Potter. Not today." Snape leaned back and pointed to the bathroom.

"All right. I get it," Harry grumbled, and stomped to the bathroom. "Not a word," he said the moment he stepped inside. 

"I wasn't saying anything, dearie," the mirror said. Harry decided to ignore it, and he grabbed a flannel, rubbed soap on it, and then scrubbed between his arse cheeks as hard as he could. 

"Smells like peaches," the mirror said conversationally. 

Harry threw the wet flannel at it before he returned to the bedroom.

"All clean," he sighed, lowering himself the bed again. "Perhaps we should just shower right before we have sex from now on."

"Indeed," Snape said, and squeezed Harry's arse. Harry raised his hips, and then finally he felt Snape's wet tongue tease his pucker. One stroke, two strokes – 

Snape pulled back. 

"Now what?" Harry snapped, feeling more irritated than he should be during sex. His hard cock started to wilt.

"Hair," Snape said, and sputtered. 

"I have no hair there!" Harry objected, giving Snape a horrified look over his shoulder.

"You do now, you insolent boy," Snape snarled.

"Maybe we should just forget about this," Harry muttered, punching his pillow. "Just fuck me already."

"As you wish." Snape's voice once again sounded composed, and he reached for something on his bedside table. 

"What's that?"

"A condom." Snape tore the wrapper and fumbled with the slippery thing. 

"God, no," Harry sighed. "Then I won't feel you inside me. Not really. I'll just feel latex."

"If you want to die of some horrible disease, that's your choice, Potter. I prefer to protect myself."

"Yeah, sure. Just get on with it." Harry pushed himself up to his hands and knees. "I'm ready," he said, though his flaccid cock didn't quite agree. 

Snape pressed the head of his cock against Harry's entrance, and pushed. And pushed. And –

"Ow." Harry winced. "What are you trying to do?"

"You're too tense," Snape said accusingly. "Relax, for Merlin's sake."

"I am relaxed!" Harry gripped the pillow until his knuckles turned white. "Just get the lube."

Snape reached for the bedside table, unscrewed the cap of the small tube, and squeezed a generous dollop of lubricant right between Harry's arse cheeks.

"Bloody hell, that's cold!"

"It'll get warmer," Snape said, irritation now also clear in his voice. "Keep still." Snape once again positioned his prick, and slowly pushed inside Harry's body. 

"Ah, much better," Harry moaned, pushing back against the invading length. "Much, much better."

"I'm glad you approve," Snape said, and started thrusting in a steady pace, his hands curled around Harry's hips. Harry met his thrusts, rocking back as well as he could. 

"Um...Severus?" Harry asked after a few minutes. 

"Yes?"

"You need to change your angle. You're not touching my prostate. At all."

Snape stilled his thrusts and frowned. "But I always hit your prostate in this position."

"Yeah, well, you've lost your touch." Harry felt Snape's cock slip from his arse. 

"Turn over, Potter," Snape said, his dark eyes blazing. "I have not lost my touch, and I will prove it, and why are you not erect?"

Harry, now lying on his back, stared down his own body at his limp cock. "I dunno."

"This is a disaster," Snape mumbled. 

"Yeah, well, I'm not having the best of times either, just so you know," Harry said, and raised his knees to his chest. "Now fuck me already."

Snape pressed his hands down on the back of Harry's knees, opening Harry up completely, and thrust his cock inside Harry hard. 

"God. Yes. Perfect," Harry moaned, closing his eyes as he felt the tiny flutters of arousal seep into his sac. His limp cock gave an encouraging twitch. 

"That's what I thought." Snape pumped his hips harder, and hit Harry's prostate with every thrust. "Is this what you wanted, Potter?"

"Yes. Fuck, yes!" Harry arched his back, and noticed that felt rather uncomfortable, so he tried to relax again. "Harder, Severus. Harder! Ow. Owowowowowow!"

Snape stilled his hips. 

"Cramp," Harry said, and dislodged Snape's hand from his leg before stretching it. He released a relieved breath. 

"You've got to be kidding me," Snape mumbled. "And here I thought you were an athlete, Potter, used to straining physical exercise."

"Please," Harry snorted. "I sit on a broom for a couple of hours each game. I'm hardly an athlete."

"So I notice."

Harry narrowed his eyes at Snape, and pulled his leg up again. "Cramp's gone. Carry on."

Wiping at his sweaty forehead, Snape resumed his thrusts. Once he found a fast rhythm, he reached for Harry's half-hard cock. Harry closed his eyes as Snape's fingers closed around his sensitive flesh, and he tried to concentrate on the feeling of Snape's strokes and thrusts. 

It wasn't working. His mind refused to focus, and his cock refused to harden completely. 

"Just leave it," he said at last. "Take care of it...god...after you're done."

Snape's brow creased in concentration, and he thrust hard and fast, and Harry tried to enjoy it as much as he could until Snape inhaled a sharp breath and found his release for a second time that evening. 

"Good?" Harry asked, letting his legs fall to the side. 

"Hmm," Snape said, and raised himself. Holding the condom in place, Snape pulled out of Harry's body. And tensed. 

Harry looked at him with a frown. "What's wrong now?"

"Let's just say I'm glad I decided to wear a condom this evening," Snape said diplomatically. 

Horrified, Harry pushed himself up and stared down between his spread legs. "No! That's just not possible!"

"Of course it's possible, you foolish boy! What do you use that part of your body for, besides letting me fuck it every now and then?"

"I can't believe it."

"You'd better," Snape muttered, slid the stained condom off, and carrying it between thumb and forefinger, Snape disappeared inside the bathroom. Harry heard him rinse his hands a moment later.

"I believe it is your turn now," Snape said, seating himself on the bed once again. 

"Yeah, think so," Harry sighed. He looked down at his impossible prick. "Perhaps you can just give me a hand."

"That I can do." Snape lay down and pressed a kiss to Harry's lips. Harry returned it, and relaxed when he felt Snape's fingers close around his cock. Snape easily coaxed his soft flesh back to hardness, and then settled for a slow pace. Harry closed his eyes and was finally able to focus on his impending release. Slowly, steadily, Harry got closer, but every time he was almost there, Snape released his prick for a moment to get a better grip. 

"You've got to do it faster or else it's not going to work," Harry whispered against Snape's lips. 

"It appears that my wrist isn't cooperating this evening," Snape replied, and shifted on the bed as if to find a better position. 

"Never mind. I'll take care of it myself," Harry said, and gave Snape an uncertain smile. "Can you just...?"

"Yes, I can." Snape released Harry's cock, and pressed their mouths together while he teased Harry's nipples to hardness. Harry grabbed his prick and started fisting it exactly the way he liked it. Lost in Snape's deep kiss and teasing touches to his nipples, Harry finally felt his climax built until there was no going back. 

He arched his body and muffled a short cry in Snape's mouth as he shot his release over his fingers and onto his body. 

"Finally," Harry said, when he was able to break away from Snape's kiss and open his eyes. "That was bloody hard work."

"It certainly was." Snape gave Harry one last kiss and spread out beside him. Harry reached for the sheets and wiped away his seed. 

"Potter!"

"What?" Harry gave Snape a puzzled look. "I always wipe us down with the sheets."

"No spells, remember? You're sleeping on that side of the bed."

Harry stared at the stained sheets. "Bugger," he sighed, and settled against Snape's body, as far away from the wet spots as he could. They stayed silent for a moment, and then Harry glanced up at Snape. "This was a nightmare. I suggest never having this kind of sex. Ever again."

"Indeed," Snape said, and pulled Harry closer. 

"Can we just cuddle now?"

Snape sighed. "In a moment."

"Huh?"

"I need to piss," Snape said, as he pushed himself up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. "A man of my age needs to –"

"Yeah, I get it," Harry muttered, and pulled the sheets over his head.

 

~~fin~~


End file.
